


Incontinence

by RebelDrFerguson



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Awkward situations, Crack-ish, Embarrassment, F/M, Incontinence jokes, Missy being a bitch, Old Man jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 03:41:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10845756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelDrFerguson/pseuds/RebelDrFerguson
Summary: After a particularly scary adventure, The Doctor is faced with a small problem. The problem being Missy won’t let up on the jokes.“Don’t worry I’m sure we can wash them, I’m not surprised though, I mean you're over 2000 years old Doctor!”“I AM NOT INCONTINENT…..i’m pretty sure it’s coffee...okay, 50% sure…”





	Incontinence

**Author's Note:**

> An advert prompted this crack fic.

His lungs were burning, his legs ached and his head was swimming as the blood fizzed and rushed about trying to comprehend what just happened. 

 

He could hear her laughing, cackling to herself in the console room about her pets. 

Though the Doctor wouldn't call those creatures ‘Pets’ himself.

 

Was it too much to ask to have a quiet afternoon drinking coffee in the amazon rainforest not to have her set a tonne of animals on him! 

 

He slid to the floor in the corridor trying to regulate his breathing. His jacket torn from the claws of a hypnotised Jaguar that fell from the trees, he’d been lucky not to have his throat ripped out. 

 

Missy loved to tease. Play mean and cruel games of cat and mouse.

 

This was nothing more than one of her games. Making him run in terror, tripping over tree roots, yelling about snakes and panicking for her safety not realising at first it was her that started the chaos. 

 

He’d lost it when the ants appeared. Hundreds of the things started over his shoes, up his legs over his skin and he’d bolted with all he had for his ship having lost sight of The Mistress he ran blinded by fear and the tears in his eyes to his beloved time machine and crawled into the entrance of the corridor as his respiratory bypass began to struggle. 

 

Missy appeared not a few moments later, unscathed and laughing like a witch. When he finally found the breath to speak he found her staring at him in wonder. 

  
  


“What?” he growled still sat on the floor unsure of his legs.

Missy reached out with her fancy walking stick and flipped the torn edge of his jacket aside as if examining him for injuries. He wasn’t bleeding nor scared, just itchy and bruised. 

 

As he pushed to his feet still using the wall for support, a vicious and obnoxious grin split across her face and he frowned. 

 

“What?!” he snapped again then followed her gaze as she looked down to his trousers.

 

It was faint in the dim lights but she’d spotted it. A small dark wet patch across the front of his trousers, a dribble down his pant leg. It was barely proof of anything but it seemed to her to be the best prize.

 

“My, My, Theta...did the big pussycat scare you?” she teased in a baby talk tone. 

 

The Doctor snarled straightening himself up. “It’s nothing, ‘it’ probably peed on me” 

 

Missy just continued to smirk. “Well don’t worry, I’m sure we can wash them, I’m not surprised though, I mean you're over 2000 years old Doctor!”

 

The Doctor gawped at Missy’s suggestion and she blurted back into uncontrollable laughter. 

 

“I AM NOT INCONTINENT” He shouted as a blush crept up his neck.

“...I’m pretty sure it’s coffee...okay, 50% sure…” he muttered looking down to the stain again. It could have been coffee, he had knocked over the table. Though, his cup had been empty.

 

Missy just continued to giggle as she sashayed down the hall towards the kitchen. 

 

The Doctor huffed loudly and ran and hand through his hair. He felt sick and dizzy, he wanted a shower and sleep (for once). 

He stumbled to his bedroom and stripped quickly, leaving his clothes scattered and dove in the shower to wash off the last of the ants he could feel on his skin. 

 

Several of the bites ached and throbbed low under his skin like a knife or bullet had been driven through him. It took a trip to the medical bay to find something to take the edge off. 

  
  


* * *

 

  
  


He awoke in the TARDIS artificial morning light. His watch telling him it had been a total of 7 earth hours. 

 

He could hear a shower running and Missy humming away to herself. He didn't want to face her right now.

 

Dressing lightly he padded across the hall into the kitchen and made himself some porridge. When he turned from the stove top to grab a bowl he spotted a plastic bag on the dining table. 

 

Curious, he pulled it open then proceeded to shove it away blushing like a newlywed virgin and grimaced.

 

The moment was unmissed by the only other ships occupant and Missy chuckled from the doorway.

 

“Not funny!” the Doctor hissed turning back to his pan and turning off the stove. 

 

Missy begged to differ. “You might not see it so, but I’m afraid it’s hilarious Doctor…” she reached for the bag, lifted out it contents and continued to read the package aloud much to the Doctor’s utter embarrassment.  

  
  


“Tena for Men, Level 2 protective shield pads for the security from leaks” she smiled placing the pack down on the table then stepping up behind the Timelord only to stroke her hands down his side making The Doctor jump and turn defensively, eyeing her warily. 

“No need to be ashamed Theta…” she purred as the blushed deepened on his neck and flushed to his ears. 

 

She reached up to flick one and ruffle his hair making him flinch away and move from her smoothing his hair back into place. 

“I don’t need them” he huffed transferring his porridge to a bowl and storming from the kitchen in a grump. 

  
  
  


He planned on meeting Kate later to give UNIT a strange piece of equipment he’d collected but when he got back to his room to dress fully he found the package on the bed and spent quite awhile in a fit of distress and mortification before leaving his room having tossed the pack somewhere he’d never see them again.

 

Arriving at the console he internally groaned noticing Missy sat in his favourite chair reading. 

He dialled Kate’s office number on the dash and waited as it rung.

 

“Lethbridge-Stewart's Office?” said an unfamiliar voice. Secretary. Damn.

 

“It’s the Doctor, I need to speak to Miss Stewart” he growled glaring at the Time Lady over the other side of the room. 

 

“Oh, can you hold please?” she asked gently but The Doctor was cut off from his reply.

 

“I'm afraid he can't anymore, getting old you know” she sniggered loudly.

 

“Shut up!” He hissed back sighing as the woman coughed awkwardly in the background. 

“Yes, I CAN hold” 

 

“No, you can’t…” Missy teased again and The Doctor had to grit his teeth from yelling obscenities. 

 

Unfortunately, Kate just managed to pick up the phone as he found a response.

 

“I told you, it was COFFEE, I’m a bloody Gallifreyan we don't get incontinence!!!” he snapped angrily only to pale and grimace at seeing Kate’s smirk on the video link screen.

 

Missy decided to play nice, or at least her style of nice.

 

“Oh Ms Stewart lovely to see you, me and Theta just having some issues, we’ll he's having some issues, male issues, you know, as they get as old as this lump they can’t help needing diapers because a pussy cat got a bit playful” 

 

The malice in her smile and tone was soul shredding.

 

“SHE SET A HYPNOTISED JAGUAR ON ME! EVEN ANTS AND SNAKES!” he flailed trying to defend himself at Kate’s pitying look. 

 

“You wanted to see the wildlife!” Missy objected sipping her tea. 

 

“I told you! It was coffee, I must..I must have spilt the coffee, I definitely am in no way INCONTINENT!!” he yelled and he whined quietly at the giggle both women gave.

 

“Well Doctor, you must be, I mean you're currently IN Europe…” Kate teased unable to help herself and both her and Missy fell into hysterics.

 

“Europe! Continent - IN continent! I LOVE IT!!” Missy cackled sliding from her chair in laughter. 

 

No one noticed the Doctor burying his head in his jacket, face burning red in shame. 

  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

It hadn't actually been coffee. But he was never going to admit to that now was he? 

 


End file.
